Bloody Hell, I’ve Been Thinking Again…

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I’m tired.  A 10 day stretch at work doesn’t do much for the wellness of my mental clarity.  I need breaks, bubble baths, couch time, and book life for a sort of reboot into sanity every now and then.  Otherwise I tend to stray away into a loopy, laughy, contemplative behavior that usually does nothing but make sleep more difficult and soundness nonexistent.  So my schedule has been crazy, and therefore my mind has started a loop of “what-if’s” and “how come’s” and planning and worrying and overthinking and struggling for no good reason.  It’s what I do.  I really should sleep. 

However, I cannot get these thoughts to bail on my brain right now.  So, I share. 

 

My past has molded me into the delicate lady I’ve become.  The past was bad.  If you’ve read some of my other posts, you know that alcoholism laced my 20’s and I’ve maintained clean and soberness for nearly 4 years. 

Continue reading “Bloody Hell, I’ve Been Thinking Again…”

Faults in Sobriety: I’m Still Way Crazy

Sobriety is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in this life.  I know that.  I own that.  I spread the good news.  I share my story.  If it weren’t for treatment, AA, sober allies, etc. I would surely be dead.  My drug/alcohol abuse caused serious strain on my family, my health, my ability to function in society, my confidence, my motivation, my driving record, the list goes on and on.  I will be 4 years sober in August, and it has taken that length of time to establish myself on the “right” track.  It’s been a long road, but every moment that I have remained sober has been a fucking cake walk compared to where I came from.  So in life, after having been hung out to dry by my alcoholism, all other issues are unparalleled to the straight up shit I’ve lived through.

This is not to say, however, that other problems aren’t there.

Sobriety has pretty much been a huge highlighter that’s outlined all the shit I covered up for all my years of drinking.  Those character defects, as AA describes, are well engrained in my bones.  That shit is HARD to shake, man.  Change is fucking crazy difficult.

Continue reading “Faults in Sobriety: I’m Still Way Crazy”

Comedy Hour: My Mama is BONKERZ

So my mama is like, wayyyyyy Type A.  Always has been.  She’s a supermode perfectionist, planner, doer, attention to detail kind of girl.  It’s really quite endearing.  I wish I had these qualities for myself.  I mean, okay, I’m a bit anal about neatness and organized drawers and color coded closets and logically arranged school notebooks, but that is the extent of my meticulousness.   I can take a vacation and not plan a single activity and be completely happy.  I can come home from work and do absolutely nothing with the pile of laundry that has been needing to be folded for 3 days, even though there are no pairs of clean socks in my underwear drawer.  I can go to the grocery store with no idea of what I’m going to get.  I’m okay with that stuff.  Rest brings peace.  No plans, no worries. 

I realized the extent of my Mama’s OCD on a recent trip home to Louisiana to spend a little time with the ol’ fam.  It was a chill visit with nothing much to do but hang around the house and fuck off.  I was lounging on the sofa when I looked down and noticed these lists…..  As I looked closer, I realized what the lists were detailing.  Take a look. 

Continue reading “Comedy Hour: My Mama is BONKERZ”