I’m tired. A 10 day stretch at work doesn’t do much for the wellness of my mental clarity. I need breaks, bubble baths, couch time, and book life for a sort of reboot into sanity every now and then. Otherwise I tend to stray away into a loopy, laughy, contemplative behavior that usually does nothing but make sleep more difficult and soundness nonexistent. So my schedule has been crazy, and therefore my mind has started a loop of “what-if’s” and “how come’s” and planning and worrying and overthinking and struggling for no good reason. It’s what I do. I really should sleep.
However, I cannot get these thoughts to bail on my brain right now. So, I share.
My past has molded me into the delicate lady I’ve become. The past was bad. If you’ve read some of my other posts, you know that alcoholism laced my 20’s and I’ve maintained clean and soberness for nearly 4 years.
THE PAST IS A GROTESQUE ANIMAL – of MONTREAL
*dark song. good message.
How can I explain, I need you here and not here too
You’ve lived so brightly
You’ve altered everything
I find myself searching for old selves
While speeding forward through the plate glass of maturing cells
The other night I was flipping through some blogs and came across a post about a NY Times article that highlighted Moderation Management as an alternative treatment option for abusers of substances. THIS IS WHERE MY ENDLESS LOOP BEGAN. I began reading article after article, post after post, review after review about the pros and cons of MM. I had heard of this before (my Mama has spoken of its teachings before for other people in our family, but I never found it interesting until I read the words) and became fascinated with what I was reading. All of these alcoholics in recovery were claiming “freedom and independence” after switching from AA to MM. People with some serious sober time under their belts, spreading the good cheer of a life of moderated drinking patterns. So I start thinking about what my life would look like if I were to switch to Moderation Management. I am reeling, nervous, terrified, excited? all at the same time. Could this be an option? Will this allow me an opportunity to feel like part of a group again? Can I really drink 2 drinks in a night and manage my life? Will I die if I drink again? What would my family think? What would my friends think? Could I live with myself? Would my life totally unravel?
My thinking patterns progressed into probably what AA would call rationalizing. I began to feel like I would be completely capable of maintaining my life and responsibility if I stuck to a Moderation Management plan. I thought about it so much that I even talked to my Mama about it. She got scared shitless. I could immediately tell she was feeling uncomfortable, just as I was. In the end she said she would support me if I decided to attempt this lifestyle, but she is very hesitant. As am I.
Part of me is saying, “Duh, of course you can do it. You are a completely different person than you were 4 years ago. You have boundaries and a strong sense of self and can obviously live without alcohol in your life. It would be so nice to be out with friends and not be the only one in the group drinking water with “ALCOHOLIC” etched on your forehead. Fuck labels. Are you really an alcoholic or was it just a shitty time in your life when the man of your dreams cheated on you and you had no way of coping because you were young, so you drank and partied to alleviate your sadness? That’s over. You’ve moved on. You’re a strong woman now who has the power to control her life.”
The other part of me is screaming, “YOU WILL DIE IF YOU TAKE A SIP OF ALCOHOL, YOU CRAZY ASS BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?!?!??!?!”
I don’t actually know how to end this blog post, as I have still had no sleep, made no decisions, and honestly am worn out just thinking about it. So this is the end. ❤