I have turned 30. The newness of life slowly wearing away and leaving smears of lethargy, achy bones, repetition, and a general apathetic disposition in its place. At least more so than in my past. I’ve always been a bubbly, excited about nothing, obnoxious laugher who can charm the pants off most any man (or woman–yes that happened, BUT a story for another day) and live easy without plan or worry or fear for tomorrow. When I get gifts for birthdays or Christmas, I get so excited I cry. Again, I’m a feeler. So this turn of events into disinterested, unenthused funk makes me confused. This isn’t me. How did I get here?
(No one explains the absurdity of life better than the one and only David Byrne, man)
When I got sober at 26, I floated the well known “pink cloud” for about 3 years. Only until about a year ago when my relationship that I was invested in started to disintegrate into tormenting shrivels of laborious drudgery did life start to become an assignment unfit for fun. I’ve waltzed my way through the first two semesters of Nursing school with two breakdowns, a breakup, and a tiredness that was unrelenting. The carefree, happy, loving girl gradually turned into a depressed hermit whose idea of a good time was to lie on the couch and mindlessly watch The Bachelor and dream of how things will get better one day. Year 29: The Girl Loses Her Spunk
But FUCK that.
What better time to change an attitude than the beginning of a new decade??
I’ve decided to realign my emotions with my true self during this new phase. I got a fucking lot to be happy about, yo. Sure, the pink cloud didn’t last forever. I’m lucky mine lasted as long as it did! So here are the things that I am coming to terms with.
- Shit happens the way it is supposed to. Relationships end. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. I am fortunate to have had relationships in my life that helped me get closer to myself and figure out my way. I don’t have to worry about relationships or school or work or bills, because it will all get sorted out as long as I do my best and STAY SOBER.
- Things aren’t perfect. Ever. Nothing or no one can fulfill perfection, including myself. If I never expect perfect, I will never be let down.
- 30 IS YOUNG. Just because I have exited the first decade of “adulthood” doesn’t mean I have to drink fucking buttermilk and watch Wheel of Fortune every goddamn day. I don’t know how long life will be, but I am still agile enough to go and do and see and breathe in and soak up all the world if I want.
- No matter how shitty I think life is sometimes, it is ALWAYS better than where I used to be. Any recovering alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, food addict, divorcee, victim of abuse, victim of a bad relationship, black sheep, nerd, late bloomer, homosexual and beyond can relate to this somehow. We’ve all been somewhere dark. We’ve all seen fucked up shit happen and felt like we weren’t cut out for this “life” stuff. It gets better. Days before I got sober, I was walking the streets of Dallas in a bikini with a Steel Reserve and no shoes, no home, no family that could deal with me anymore, no direction, and no hope. Now I am a functioning member of society who can support herself independently, has a great relationship with her family, and has a plethora of friends across the country. Life ain’t so bad.
Can I predict what will happen in my future? No. Will only amazing, cherry topped occurrences grace me for the rest of my days? No. Will I actively try to see the good in a situation and live this one life I’ve got with fucking excitement, enjoyment, and good nature? HELL YES. Life’s too short not to.