Dad on a DIME

How, might you ask, does one who is surviving paycheck to paycheck afford to get a meaningful Father’s Day present for the men in your life??  Fear not, for I have MASTERED the art of gift giving on a dime, y’all.

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I’ve never had money.  I take that back, I’ve always had some form of income.  I’ve been a slave to the service industry or sales jobs, or commission based bullshit for my entire “career.”  There’s never been lack of a flow of moolah.  The problem lies in the amount of money I made, the habits I had, and the bills.  Oh, the bills.  First of all, when you work shit jobs like these, you just don’t make enough money.  HOLLA POLITICIANS, HELP US LIVE ABOVE THE POVERTY LEVEL!

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Secondly, drunks and drug addicts CANNOT save money.  Not a thing.  I used to work at this fine dining restaurant a few years back.  The kind of restaurant where warm hand towels soaked in rose water had to be given to every guest, and a palate cleansing sorbet served before the main course.  Shit was fancy.  Tips were sufficient, for sure.  Every night I stockpiled my earnings, changed out of my tuxedo shirt and bowtie in the backseat of my car, and drove straight to the pub where I proceeded to drink too much Rolling Rock and buy too many rounds of Jameson for “friends.”  Usually people I didn’t even fucking know.  I would wake up the next morning (every morning after a shift, to be exact—I want to be clear about my drinking habits.  They owned me) with a few ones or maybe a 5 dollar bill here and there.  Do you think a girl like that had money to buy her Daddy a fancy new golf club for Father’s Day?  Fuck no.  He got a phone call and well wishes.

Lastly, BILLS.   Let me say this.  Learn from your mistakes when you trust a man who says he is going to help support you financially when you go to Nursing school so you don’t have to work full-time and then you catch him traveling to New Orleans and banging your coworker right under your nose and you’re such an idiot to believe his pathetic lies and cheating ass. So you kick him out and continue to go to school and beg your boss to let you work full time again.  In the midst of all this chaos, your bills don’t stop.  They aren’t like, “Aw she’s having a hard time, let’s get her a discount and a grace period.”  Fuck no.  You have to act and act fast.  Bottom line is only depend on yourself.  Sober people can do that.  Sober people can say, “I make $1600 a month and I have $1300 in bills to pay, I can totes survive on $300!  I know how to cook beans and rice.”  But I digress.

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Having these issues continuously throughout my “adulthood” has led me to learn a creativity I wasn’t born with.  Birthdays, anniversaries, Father’s and Mother’s day, Christmas–they are always gonna come back around just the same as last year.  SO, let’s talk ideas.  I ALWAYS handmake cards.  This shows dad and/or stepdad that you care and put thought and time into making him something.  I like to buy those packets of patterned craft paper, cut out shapes and stick glue em together and write something sappy on the inside.  Simple as pie.

For the real gift, it’s all about really knowing your Dad.  For example, my stepdad loves music.  It’s a passion we both share; something that has always brought us closer together.  So I’ve started this trend of getting him cool musician t shirts.  They are super cheap (usually around $20 bucks) and can be delivered right to his door.  He is the kind of guy that likes to wear rad t-shirts with a leather jacket or patterned button down shirt over it to the pub.  So I give him a functional gift, as it clothes him, and a gift that will allow him to reminisce about old tunes he may have forgotten and the memories that come along with them.  This year’s pick is an obscure Leonard Cohen tee seen here:

 

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For my real Daddy, he’s the kind of guy that LOVES movies.  He can sit down and watch a movie that he’s already seen 100 times and laugh at every single joke like it’s the first time he’s heard it.  He lives a simple quiet life in the Tennessee hills, and movies are his chill time fave.  So this year I bought him Interstellar on Blu-ray for about $13 off Amazon.  This is a gift that will mean a lot to him, because he appreciates film so much (and Interstellar is a badass movie, might I add) and it will give him enjoyment many times over!

SO, because money doesn’t grow on trees does NOT mean that Dad can’t get a gift that will make him happy and thankful this Father’s day!!  Will update on the reactions of my two dads 🙂

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